Yeah, I wanna eat the whole thing

Father, do you know how frustrating it is to try to understand you with my brain?

Here's how the scenario goes.  You give me a Revelation of some kind or other and it's thrilling, exciting and momentary.  I know there is more.  I know I only saw a glimpse.  I know the piece I saw is just a piece.

I want more, more, more, more.  So my brain takes over and starts searching, searching, searching.  I go to the Web.  I go to the Bible.  I go to other Believers.  I go to every source of information that I can.

Eventually my search leads to small embellishments of the Revelation You gave me, but that's all it is - a small embellishment.

Suddenly I feel frustrated.  My joy is gone.  The thrill at receiving the Revelation has dwindled.  I am sad.

WHAT?  How can I be sad?  Because You give me nibbles and I want gobbles.  I know that YOU KNOW how much to give me.  Therefore, I must be only ready for nibbles.  AHHHHHCCCHHH!

There I am.  Frustrated.  This isn't right.  Then suddenly I know why Satan rebelled.  It's the same thing.  He wanted to rush forward, headlong into the Glory.  He wanted it all.  So he got angry and stomped and stomped like a small child screaming in Your face.  All the while You loved him.  You love us.

It leads back to the beginning.  Surrender.  Again I must surrender to Your Will, Your Wisdom, Your Knowledge. 

Again, I must Trust You.  You know how fast to go.  You know how much to give.  You know my level of maturity.

*sigh*.  .  .  .  .  . *small smile*

I'm glad You know.  You saw me enjoy that whipped cream until I ate the whole thing.  You saw me, huh? *sheepish grin*  You also saw me rub my tummy all evening too.

I know You're smarter than me.  I Trust You.  Thank You for still loving me.

Flowing

For several months I was silent in my writing.  I saw no interest from others and interpreted that to mean I was babbling in the dark, alone. 

Then as Father continued to speak and show me marvelous things, I realized that I cannot be silent.  It's like trying to dam up a river.  Impossible.  The water flows and never stops . . .  it flows; bubbling, roiling, glimmering, flashing. 

It was the same way the day Father began pouring His Love into me.  He started pouring and within minutes I broke down and asked Him to back off because I was going to physically explode.  I couldn't contain it.  It's too much.  It's too big. 

Then He said "You aren't a container, you're a conduit.  Let it flow THROUGH you, and you'll be alright."

So, I flow.  And it's Good.

Isolated, and yet never alone

You didn't tell me, 20 years ago, Father, that my enforced isolation with you would open the door to such a personal relationship; one that would make me so different from everyone at church, or anywhere else, that I would virtually be alone (except for a few friends in the single digits, who seem to communicate with You also ;-) and yet, I'm never alone because I have You here 24/7.  It's the most amazing relationship of togetherness and yet apparently the weirdest, if I paid attention to the looks I get from people when I remark "Jesus told me. . . . ".

I'm a BRIDE!

A cloud hung over my head.  It seemed like a fog of white.  Almost the same as when flying in an airplane and swooping through the clouds up high.  This one seemed to hum with intensity and energy and whiteness.  I asked "what is this?" and immediately I saw a young lady in a long flowing white gown walking up a long incline of a hill.  It was lush and grassy; beautiful and green.  She kept stepping firmly upward, one step after another.  Her gate was regal and sure.  On her head was a beautiful crown with a veil hanging down the back.  She held her head in a confident, assured pose looking upward as she climbed steadily forward.
"Who is this?" I asked.
"My Bride" was His answer.
"Is is me?" I pressed further with some strange feeling of knowing.
"Yes, it is.  You and many others." He said.
Suddenly I saw Jesus step up before her.  They shared the most beautiful look of Love as they gazed into each other's eyes.  Then He slipped His arms around her and they began kissing in a way that almost made me want to turn away and give them privacy.  It was the kind of intimacy between a husband and a wife.  And as it became more and more intense, they seemed to meld fuzzily into a moving being of such oneness that they were indistinguishable from each other.  They were no longer separate beings.
Then Father God, Himself was before me and sternly spoke.
"This is who you are.  This is your identity.  It takes precedence over everything else that you are.  All your gifts, all your dreams, all your being are secondary to this one identity.  You must remember this.  THIS TAKES PRECEDENCE!"  And then He retreated.
I stood and waited in awe at what I'd seen and then asked, "should I tell them?"
And His answer came, "yes, go tell them.  This is who they are."