Knock down the walls

Lord, I'm willing.  It doesn't matter if I'm known.  I'm willing.  I will be silent in the background or I will stand up in the foreground.  I will move the mountains You tell me to move from the front or from the back; because I know that if You tell me, then You will supply the power to back it up.  I'm willing.  I will cry for the broken.  I will hurt for the lost.  I will join them in the pit because I've been there.  I know You are the one who brought me up out of mine.  I know You are the One who will and can do it again.  I know You don't need me to accomplish Your Will, but that You Love me and call me Your Friend.  I know You can do and will do whatever You determine in the direction You have determined.  And I know it is already determined in Your mind.
It is Freedom.

It is Love. 
It is Your all-encompassing, all-inclusive Love.  I know that Your determination brings Glory to Your Love.  And I know that the Power comes from and dwells INside Your Love.
Where You are, that is where I want to be.  Whatever "there" involves.  I am IN You.  You are IN me.  We are One.
You asked me to Marry You.  And I answered Yes.  It is my choice.  My Freewill to say Yes.  And it is Your pleasure to hear that choice from my lips.  Yes.  YES!  I am Yours.
Unto You I pledge my life; my heart; my soul.  In all that I am, I am Yours.  Use me, bend me, mold me, guide me.  I choose freely because I know that in Your bending and molding and guiding, You are more gentle, more Loving, more Kind, than any Friend, than any Lover, I have ever known.
This is why I can say YES without hesitation.  Because there is no Fear.  I don't Fear Your choices, Your decisions, Your guidance.  They lead to a greatness of perfection that far surpasses any of my wildest dreams.
YES.  I will knock down walls they don't even know exist.  I will stomp on principalities and powers they cannot see.  I will move the mountains that stand in their way.  Because You said to.  Because of You.

I will suit up.  I know who I am.  I will go.  Point the way, Lord.  My sword is drawn.  My armour is buckled.  My helmet is secure.  I AM YOURS.  Who can separate me from Your Love?  Who?  There is None.  No One.  Only You.

I want to see

Lord, you have given me so many miracles in my years and sometimes I wish I had written them all down.  They come back to my remembrance now and then, but mostly when You remind me of them because they relate to a present situation.  "we are overcomers by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony" as You have told me, is a KEY.  When I see or experience a situation and begin praying, I often remember another situation from the past that was similar and I remember how that situation ended because of prayer.  It was always victorious.  So I retell that story to myself and the angels standing around me that I can't see.  I know they love to hear the stories.  And if there are any "uglies" standing around me in the spiritual, unseen world, it tells them where my Faith is, and how I believe, and that I have this "proof" from my past as a witness to Your power and faithfulness in answering prayer.
But there are also those moments when I know "something" has happened in the spiritual world; something changed; but I don't know what it is.  I've had several of those too.  They are moments when suddenly my spirit feels great peace after being in travail for minutes or hours, or even days. 
Once I remember being involved in a powerful, emotional prayer for my mother-in-law.  She was such a cold, calloused woman who wouldn't allow the mention of You in her home, except as a curse phrase.  All the while I was praying, I could hear a drumming sound in my ears.  It was a bit noisy.  And as my prayer rose in urgency and intensity, so did the drumming sound.  This went on for about an hour.  Then suddenly it stopped.  The "stopping" of the noise was almost as dramatic as the sound had been.  It was almost as if a gong had sounded, signally the end of a large production.  And the silence that followed would have seemed eerie except the peacefulness was like sitting next to a calm, quiet pond with no breeze.
I knew something had happened in the spiritual world and I knew that it changed things.  I knew this in my heart and soul, but I had no idea what it was.  So the next day, when I saw my mother-in-law, I expected to see that something had dramatically changed about her.  But I saw nothing.  Everything seemed exactly the same.
However, over the next few months, she did change.  It was almost imperceptible in it's pace, but it culminated the evening she asked me to pray with her.  I almost melted in tears and could barely get the words out of my mouth as we prayed.  From that moment until her death, she and I shared the sweetest, most tenderly loving relationship.  And we prayed often.
I was reminded of this incident last night as I wept and prayed for my son, who is in the middle of major, and very unpleasant life-changes.  My heart was aching so overwhelmingly for him and this "thing".  It was so tremendous that I clutched my chest with the actual pain of it.  And of course, I reached out to You.  The aching seemed to increase to a point of crescendo and I felt my "spirit" lift out into the dark night in a scream "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
And that was it.  It was over.  Suddenly.  Just like that other time.  And all that was left was quiet, peacefulness.  My heart wasn't aching anymore.  The tears stopped abruptly.  I shook my head in wonderment and thought "wow, was that all it took?".
This morning I have asked You to "show me" the spiritual world around me; to show me what these "prayers" accomplish at the moment of the change.  I want to know and understand truly and completely.  Really I do.  I mean, I'm willing to be in the dark about it, if that is what it takes for the change to happen, but I don't think my "knowing" would actually change anything.  Would it?  Would I be too shocked by a visualization to be of any use to You?
I remember a story my parents told me of a time when my sister (who was a small child at the time) was having nightmares every night.  They were apparently very traumatic and horrible as she would run into our parents bedroom and wake them in tears and desperation each time.  So, being Believers, Momma & Daddy spent a few moments praying together about this disturbing situation.  When they finished praying each of them "saw something".  Momma saw a tiny little white butterfly come into the house from under the front door and fly up the staircase to my sister's bedroom.  Daddy saw 2 ugly little critters, something akin to "elves" come jumping from step to step down the staircase and crawl out under the front door.  Momma & Daddy each said "wow" at about the same moment and looked at each other to say "did you see that?".  But when they compared thier stories, they were different.  My sister never had another nightmare from that time forward.
OK. So they saw something of a represention, or actual visual of what was happening in the spiritual world.  It makes a cool story.  I always loved that story.  But the point is that not only did they feel peace after their prayer was finished, they saw something that told them a change had actually occured.  Something ugly had left and something good had come.
I see nothing.  I just "feel" the almost violent "change" in the "air".  That seems to be the best way to describe it.  But I would like to really know "what" that change was.
Yes, I hear you asking me if I could possibly think the change was for the worse?  No, I suppose not.  How could it be when You are involved.  In You is only Good and only Love.  So basically, You're telling me that "seeing" something is only my own natural self, desiring an amazing experience; when the truth is that my spiritual self, already had the amazing experience, I just can't describe it in physical terms.  Which is more important?
Well, when You put it that way it sounds like I just want something sensational to tell others about when You want me to just be obedient and have nothing to claim credit for.  Ha!  Boy, Lord, you sure get right to the nitty-gritty of me! 
OK.  I'll do it Your way.  It's worked all these years just the way you designed it to work in me.  I know You work in each of us differently depending on our various abilities and needs which You already know about so intricately.
I'll continue to Trust in You completely.  Thank you for this lesson and this fine morning.

why I can't stay in church

Ahhh, the smell of the wooden pews and the soft Christian music playing in the background whilst people chatter all around the room.  This is how "church" begins.  It's not a bad beginning either.  I like the music and I enjoy the chatter.  I just can't "do" the structure anymore.  You know, being told when to sing and when to sit down and who to listen to and . . . well, you know; the structure.
I was a PK (preacher's kid) and grew up sleeping in the pews, under the pews, in the back room and in foyer chairs.  I got "saved" when I was 7 yrs old.  I had a wonderful relationship with my God.  But it wasn't wonderful enough to keep me from searching other "avenues" for several years.  Why?  Well, because I did not know HIM as a real person.  He was just a faceless icon in that big unknowable book called the Bible.  That's not to say that He wasn't "with" me.  Oh no, He was definitely "with" me.  He went right along with me through all the searching I needed to do.  And most of that searching would have Christians gasping in shock and declaring vehemently that God WOULD MOST CERTAINLY NOT follow me there. 
Well, not only did He follow me, He actually guided some of those steps and saved my bacon several times.  I didn't know it was Him until later.  Then when I turned my head slightly and asked "are You here?" - BAM!  There He was.  He had never left me for a moment.
But something was different than it was before.  Now I could actually "talk" to Him and perceive Him as a person standing beside me/ inside me/ all around me.  And gradually He showed me that He could talk back.  AND I COULD HEAR.  Wow.  That was when the relationship changed dramatically.  I could get to know Him as I would a friend.  I could discuss things and actually hear His side of it.  I could share my feelings and get His "feed" into it.  It was real relationship, not one sided with no feedback.  The was no searching through the Bible for answers and saying things like "well, based on this story or scripture I think God would . . ."  That was guessing based on my intelligence about the Bible.  No.  This was no more guessing. 
I found that for the next several years He shared with me, we walked through them together and He wasn't stingy about being my best friend and best confidante.  And He never steered me wrong.  Even when it "looked" wrong (which happened many times) and appeared to be against the Word (which it never was) and even when I knew that any self-respecting church member would have berated me (which they most definitely WOULD HAVE).  This direction and guidance; and mostly His friendship went with me through the most profound situations and saw them through to equally profound miracles.  Lots of them.  They are my treasures.
All of this was done "away from church".
After many years, I began to think that I needed to take this relationship to the next level and make it legitimate before man.  So I began Bible college and found a church.  After everything He had done with my life, it was time to share it with others.  I thought surely they would want to hear about it.  All this wisdom and guidance shouldn't be held in silence just for me alone.  After all, these were some of the most provocative miracles I'd ever heard before.  They astounded me and thrilled me.
Funny thing happened, though, every time I opened my mouth to speak, I'd start with something like "God told me" and the stares from everyone was almost palatable.  I was weird.  I didn't fit.  Gradually I began to realize that everyone was in the same place I had been way back when.  They didn't have this kind of relationship with Him.  And for some reason that shocked me.  Silly me.  I took it for granted that as I had grown, so had everyone else.  And then the worst part was sitting still in the church service.  I would "join" in with the worship and then BAM it was over and we were all sitting down.  Then we would have "communion" and it was solemn and sad instead of joyful and exhilarating like I had come to find "actual communion" with Him to be.  But one of the worst moments was when a well respected member of the congregation, spoke.  It wasn't his speaking that bothered me.  Nor was it his humble, sincere heart.  No, it was when he began talking to us about a harmless story of finding money on the ground.  Would we search for the owner or walk away with it in our hands?  Now I was in the biggest shock of all.  Why?  Why would a teacher in a church ask the congregation such a question?  Were they truly at such a place of knowing their God?  Was this really a question?  To be or not to be honest?  Seriously?
My heart fell.  I walked out.  Sadness permeated my whole body.  Who were these people who had spent their whole lives going to church and never finding God?  These people who could raise their hands in praise but not know what it is like to "talk" with Him and get answers.  Why did they NOT know God after all these years?  Why was He still an unknown stranger?
I have a friend who hasn't been to church since she was 14 yrs old.  But she and God talk often.  I have another friend who is a manic depressive with only a few ties still holding on to sanity.  But she and God talk often.  I have another friend who has gone to church somewhere every Sunday for her whole life.  Not always the same church.  All of them different.  She and God talk often.
How do I know God actually talks to these people and it isn't their imagination?  Because they tell me about the conversations and I hear His reactions.  They are the same.  God is the same.  He isn't different to different people.  He really is the same.  It is absolutely amazing to hear and realize that truth.  And yet it is so very, very basic.  God is Himself.  And He is Himself with anyone who wants to have a relationship with Him.  He doesn't require anything except that we believe.  He doesn't require church.  He doesn't even require the "sinner's prayer".  Nope.  He just requires that we believe and WANT to have a relationship with Him.
Now I'm at another new level.  I stopped going to Bible school and I stopped going to church.  Why?  Because I actually get more questions answered from Him directly.  The school and church were only my attempt to be accepted by mankind.  It was another lesson in a very real fact.  All I need is Him.  I don't need to be accepted by mankind.  And I can't live without Him.
I can sit in my pj's on Sunday morning and learn some of the most awesome mysteries, directly from the Teacher, Himself.  And He doesn't preach TO ME.  It's "interactive" dialogue.  I can ask questions anytime.  I can "talk" as much as I want.  I can "share" my stories with Him.  I can just "listen".
I imagine my ideal "church" setting.  The pulpit would be gone.  The stage would be gone.  The pews would be comfortable chairs and they would be arranged in a circle.  No one would tell us when to sing and when to pray and when to listen.  The Holy Spirit Himself would lead the gathering and I imagine NO ONE would fall asleep.  Everyone would have something to share and no one would go home without being personally involved in some way.  Learning about God, Himself would escalate astronomically.  People would come to KNOW Him personally - REALLY - not just the certificate that says they repeated the "sinners prayer".  And growth would actually happen.
Oh, remember that verse everyone quotes about not neglecting assembling together?  Its from Hebrews 10:25.  I looked it up in the original text.  It actually translates "on-together-leading of-themselves".  Yeah that seems a bit convoluted at first, but if you say it again and again it begins to form.  It sounds more like a group that seems to naturally gather almost anywhere.  No ONE is in charge.  And then if we look at how the early church people actually gathered, it was like that.  In homes, in marketplaces, or where ever they met each other - a group would break out.  Sometimes they had a specific time and would meet at someones home, have dinner and have lots of conversation.  Everyone joined into the discussion AND the worship.  Everyone shared what God was doing in their lives.  Everyone lived in community.
It was simple.  It had no pressure.  One guy didn't have the whole ball of wax piled up on his shoulders to be the "shepherd".  God was Father, Jesus was the shepherd and the Holy Spirit was the guide; and they didn't need the believers to organize and structure them for meeting.
That was and still is all we/I need.  So all I'm missing is a group to "share" with?  Not really, all these friends who "know" Him are my group.  They are awesome.  We don't plan any meetings.  We just talk when we need to talk.  When I have miracles or messages or new mysteries open; I call.  They listen.  We share back and forth.  I learn from theirs and they learn from mine. 
Yes, I miss the people at church.  They are nice people.  I think some of them actually might have a personal relationship with God.  But they sit in silence.  Stifled.  I'm a little sad for them.  But not too much, cause I know God.  He's still right there beside them.  He'll give them as much as they desire.
I love them all.  I just can't sit there anymore.  The structured silence is a bit painful for me now.
I also know that just because this is where I am in my walk with God, it doesn't mean that this is the place everyone should be.  Walking with God is a process.  And that journey has tons of levels and stages and facets and growth.  It's designed specifically for each one of us.  God is awesome like that.  He knows what each person needs and exactly when they need it.  He isn't stingy that way.
How awesome He is.  I'm so very, very thankful I know Him. 

sharing suffering

How ironic it seems that one day You are showing me the absence of "sadness" within You and then the next, You turn me around and show me the suffering You want me to share.

May 8th, 2012 

As I herded the massive display of balloons into the elevator, another passenger smiled and asked which floor.

"Ten, please" I replied.

These were going to a member of the Sheriff's department.  Co-workers and friends contributed to the collection of balloons since flowers weren't allowed in this particular hospital unit.  And I was performing my daily task of delivery.  When the elevator stopped and the doors parted, I ushered my entourage through the opening and into the hallway.  Turning to the left I saw the sign indicating the room number where this patient was staying.  Then I saw it.  "Welcome to the Oncology Unit" in big, bold letters right before my eyes.  My heart drooped as I walked forward and knocked softly on the door to #1006.

"Delivery for Alex" I said softly.

"Come on in." the voice answered.

I pushed the door quietly open and saw a Doctor administering medication.  The patient was in his late twenties or early thirties; a very strong and muscular, handsome man.  But he appeared in a daze as he looked my way.  So the Doctor explained to him as he took the balloons from me.

"Some of your friends wanted to send you flowers but we don't allow them on this floor, so they sent these balloons."

Alex mumbled acknowledgement and turned toward the window as I left quietly thanking the Doctor.  

This encounter lasted 2 minutes; maybe 3; but it gripped my heart with a vise as tears welled up.  I returned to the elevator as a remote robot while I searched my heart for how and what to do with this scene.  Somehow I made my way back to my vehicle and as I turned the key I looked up to heaven and pleaded.
"Jesus!  You made healing available to us all.  I don't know if this is allowed, but I Appropriate Healing on behalf of Alex!  And I ask that healing angels surround him and whatever it takes for him to be healed come to him now, in Jesus name!"
And now, my Lord, you have placed this young man, Alex, into my heart in such a way that I cannot turn away.  I may never see him again.  I may never know what happens to him.  But I carry him.
My heart hurts because of his presence there.  I weep for him.  I ache for him.  I hope for him.  I long for his release from this cruel, evil beast.

Again, it seems amazingly ironic that You show me how no sadness lives inside of you and then You share with me the suffering.  My mind is in a quandary over this seemingly contradictory aspect of You.  Help me to understand.

Much later in the day as I bumbled through my other deliveries, I heard Him.  His small, quiet, still voice; so peaceful and serene.  "You will know someday, how sharing his suffering changed things."

The Love Vine

Love; the sweetness, the wholeness of all; see how it expands and fills up.  This expansion and filling is Growth.  Then comes the Bearing of Fruit, or the producing.  This is how the Kingdom takes over the world, our minds, our thoughts, our emotions, our lives - everything.  This "whole love" growing and filling and producing.  See it as you see a vine, first growing roots and when they are established then the stems begin to grow and leaves grow until the vine fills the ground around it for a large area.  Then it bears the fruit, veggies, flowers etc.  This is what Love does to evil surrounding us in the world.  It builds and grows the roots inside of us until it is firmly established and won't be moved.  This action takes time and takes up a lot of area underground in our hearts and minds.  Once it is established then the outward vine begins to grow, spreading out gradually all around us, creeping into every nook and cranny of every fixture and every object.  It produces the leaves, sometimes big and shady which cover the objects and fixtures.  These objects may be old and weathered and ugly.  They may represent the ugliness around us in this life; sometimes they are things in our environment at work or at home.  Whatever they are is "embraced" by the vine of Love and "enclosed" by it - "wrapped" in it and covered by the leaves until it is hard to find that object.  It actually becomes concealed IN and UNDER the vine "Love".  If this process is allowed to continue for a great period of time, that item will eventually break apart and begin to disintegrate with the slow, invading pressure of the vine.  If we equate this as bad habits or bad environment we can see how those things of evil don't disappear with Love, but are "covered" by it and then "broken down" by it.  Eventually the object turns into dust and becomes part of the soil. 
In the growing and spreading out process, the fruit and flowers come.  But they are on top.  They are displayed on the "outside" rather than hidden under the leaves.  When they arrive, they are "offered" to the passers-by freely for the picking and enjoyment of others.  And the fruit carries the seed for reproduction.  But the fruit is almost the "after-thought" and not the primary purpose.  And yet it is essential for life.  However the main intent of the vine seems to be the covering of the ground and expansion for as far as it is not constrained.  It will spread and grow and expand as far as it is given the nutrients from the roots.  This seems to be its primary goal - to spread and expand; covering over everything in it's path until all that is seen is the Love.  Nothing else is visible.  An ugly object may still exist beneath the leaves but only the Vine leaves are seen while that object is slowly dismantled and dissolved.
Let the Vine grow.  Remove constraints and give it wide berth to cover and spread out everywhere in sight.  The wider the area, the more plentiful the fruit.

"sadness" is not a holy emotion

Why do we think that sadness can be such a "holy" emotion?  Because we haven't been told otherwise.  But here's the real scoop.  Sadness is not a characteristic of Father God.  He is Love and Joy and Peace.  There is not one moment of sadness IN Him.  And when we are IN Him, we cannot live in sadness.
Really?  That boggled my mind when He first told me.
Then He went farther and explained that ALL love, and ALL joy and ALL peace come from Him.  There is no love or joy or peace that come from the dark world.  None.

Then He went even farther.  I have a choice.  I can choose what I feel.  I am not subject to whims of emotions flitting through my mind and my heart - unless I just stand by and LET THEM.  But, if I stand up and REJECT the ones that come from the dark world, then they have to leave me alone.  They might not go immediately because I might not be convinced that I CAN reject them.  But if I perform this act from sheer obedience to what He told me; then I will begin to see it happen.  And the more it happens the more I will do it.
That world of "no more tears" is right here and right now.  It isn't somewhere in the future after Jesus returns.  He already came.  He already lives right here in my heart.  His power and love and joy are already seated inside me.  The only difference is my choice - activating it.  I have to make this choice and I have to back up that choice with my words.  Speaking it out loud tells the angels and the world of darkness where I stand.
Wow!  It works.

Crashing waves

Oh, how to make the waves stop crashing and how to extract ourselves from the splashing.  We all get wet.  No one is spared.  And no one can jump ship and run.  Because no matter how far you run and how beautiful the picture of your past you paint; truth is always revealed.  Shame is always found.

Psalms 107:26-29 "Those aboard mount up to the heavens, they go down again to the deeps; their courage melts away because of their plight. They reel to and fro and stagger like a drunken man and are at their wits end all their wisdom has come to nothing. Then they cry to the Lord in their trouble, and He brings them out of their distresses.  He hushes the storm to a calm and to a gentle whisper, so that the waves of the sea are still.