Tears

The tears came after visiting with many family members that I only see once a year at Thanksgiving.  A few years ago I made it a very important responsibility to see them at this time every year.  When I was younger, it didn't seem as important; but as I get older; I see the great importance; and I'm so thankful to my Lord, God, that He has also seen this as an important responsibility for me.  And He has made the travels easy, and the weather cooperative.  But gradually, I'm finding myself in tears as I leave each one.  Once a year is becoming too little.  I love these people.  I love them with all my heart and they are such blessings to my life.  So much happens in a year; so much that I miss; but because they are so spread around the country; how to spend more time with them is quite a conundrum.
In tears, I took this conundrum to Him this morning.  His answer was in the Book of Psalms and it said simply "I have heard your suplication".
And at the same time, I heard in my heart that it meant He heard it and therefore was preparing a solution for me.
I will recieve a solution.  It isn't a question in my heart.  It is a settled issue.  And even though I don't know what the solution might be; there is one; and when it is ready - or I am ready - I will know it.
It's as simple as that.  My tears were seen, understood, and considered - and He had compassion.
Thank you.

the level of deep revelation

As I began praying and talking to God this morning, I realized that my usual joy was missing.  Suddenly I knew it came from 2 conversations I had earlier this week.  One involved me trying to press someone into a closer knowledge of Jesus and His words - which she wasn't ready to face, and ran away from; the second was someone else explaining a percieved error in some of my words, which made me question my own ability.  But as I came to Him this morning with this heavy heart, realizing that what I had done, had been done to me; and wondering where to go from here - He impressed upon me that He hadn't moved, He was still loving me just exactly as He had, and nothing in our relationship had changed.  So, my deflation was unneccessary.
And I knew, I will grow at the pace I am capable of growing and in the direction that He has given me giftings and revelations of my own.  It is different than anyone else in all of creation, as it is with each Child of God.  He made us unique and special in our own particular ways, just as He did with snowflakes and leaves and everything else He created.
This is another reason I love Him so much - the unique-ness of everything.  It is also why I know that Corporate America is so wrong when they try to force us all into patterns of speech and behavior all in the name of better sales.  Someday that will change too, because it is not only wrong, but it is Anti-Life; which means it is destructive instead of building.
I'm glad I'm me - and I'm so glad you are you - it's why you are so interesting.
You know the feeling when you have painted a picture, or sang a song and it was beautiful?  Imagine how God looks at you - He created . . . and it was good.

my new challenge

In my recent position of the "newly employed"; I have found it increasingly difficult this past week to spend my time with God.  Part of that was the fact that I had a house guest for 5 days.  NOT COMPLAINING!  I'm so thankful for both!  Yes, I'm deeply thankful. 

But with all things "new" also come adjustment and challenge. 

The coolest part of it all, is my lack of guilt.  Mmmmmmmmmm!  No guilt.  This is real freedom.  To finally reach a place that I KNOW He is with me all the time; and even more than that - I AM WITH HIM ALL THE TIME!  He knows me, and I know Him.  He loves me and I love Him.  He doesn't need or want to spend time on my guilt, because this is temporary.  He is far too important to me, for this lack of "long talks" to stay far away.

But as in every relationship, there are moments, even days, that "people" intrude into our routine; not unwelcomely, just factually.  And we know, and He knows, this isn't permanent; because He knows my heart.

What a comfort.  And it only makes me love Him more.

the mountain

There is a scripture that says,
". . .the mountain of the Lord’s house
      will be established as the highest of the mountains
         and raised above the hills.
            People will stream to it."

Isn't that phrase interesting?  "the mountain of the Lord's house".  As I read this scripture this morning, I realized that when I spend my time with Him, it's feels like going up a mountain and sitting up there above all the hustle and bustle; all the busy and demanding; all the 'stuff' I have to do.  It all fades away below me and I look with awe at the beauty of Him and feel the clean air filling up my lungs, and the . . . freedom.  And recently I've come to know that I can go higher and higher and higher . . . there is no limit except the choice I make to stop.  Then reading onward, " . . . will be established as the highest of the mountains . . .".  Well, that just makes complete sense to me now.  There may be a million ways to UN-stress your life and your mind; and a million gods to take your troubles to; but this one truly is the highest.  I understand now.  Since there is no limit to the height that I can go in His presence; at some point I will bypass the normal height gained by conventional means. 
Did you know there was a man in the Bible that actually got so close to God, that he didn't die; he just walked into heaven?  If I ever thought that was just a story and hard to believe; I don't anymore.  No, I don't think I'm close to walking into heaven; and yet, there are times that I glimpse that place and know that it is possible.
Does this make me strange or unstable?  Hm, well, the next phrase says " . . . people will stream to it . . ." so I don't think I'm alone.
Can I prove it to you so you can believe?  Nope.  Not at all.  This is the one thing that we can't really be a participant until we believe first.  But thankfully for us all, it starts with the smallest belief, just one; believing that Jesus is the Son of God.  Then like a river, it flows from there.
I asked Him what I should say to anyone who asks how to get here?  The answer was one phrase, "Get closer".  Isn't that the truth about anything we want to understand?  We have to 'get closer'.

my special enjoyments

Found my paints - in the big tool box thing where I organized and 'put them away' several years ago.  Next to them was the last painting of a rose - the only one I saved and didn't sell.  Did you know selling a creation is a bit like selling a child.  Just seems WRONG.  I'm thinking I need to UNbury these things.  Like the piece of wood I saw at Home Depot the other day, and wanted desperately to UNbury my wood burning tool and carve a beautiful "praise-filled" word into it beside a languishing flower.  The smell of the wood while burning, was half the enjoyment, especially when using cedar or another fragrant piece.  I just recently unearthed 'writing' as one of my buried 'joys'.  I may have lost some of the technique, or 'correct-ness'; but I'm enjoying it IMMENCELY.
Why?  I wonder WHY?  WHY DID I BURY THEM?   WHY?  WHY?
Granted I was in a world that tried daily to kill any piece of individuality possessed inside.  Retail.  I think of it as an evil world now that I spent 8 years deeply entrenched in it's death grip.  And I long so desperately for all my friends who are still there - to be set free.
I understand the Veteran who holds a bit of guilt for surviving a war when so many friends died.  But, I keep hoping that my escape will encourage them to step forward and find life for themselves.
I pray that one day I will be in the position to 'take them with me' - every one who longs for freedom and creativity in life - a chance to breathe and live free!  It isn't just a political thing; it's a 'life' thing.
FREEDOM!!!!  It is real.  It is possible.  And if you believe - it will happen.

a child's joy

Remember when you were a child, how excieting life was everyday?  I remember that feeling.  It was like Christmas morning almost every day.  It was things like: tomorrow we're going out into the 'woods' to the raspberry patch to pick raspberries;  tomorrow we're going to walk down the street to the old 'haunted house' and see it; tomorrow we're going to play 'Barbie's'.  These things were excieting!  I thought about this yesterday and realized I'm beginning to get that same feeling.  Every morning I'm getting up with more and more excietment for what the day will bring.  Of course, this reaction is connected to my relationship with Him.  This 'time' I'm spending with Him each day seems to be leading to nicer and nicer things happening in my life.  I've noticed that when I do NOT spend this 'time' with Him - the day becomes more ordinary and UN excieting; sometimes things just don't unfold correctly.  But more often than not, when I DO spend that 'time' with Him, the day unfolds to nice surprises, things falling into place, and less disturbance; I even see my dreams slowly building up steam going in the 'right' direction. 

This child-like excietment is so simple, so wonderful and so rewarding.  But, it isn't something I just decided one morning to achieve.  This isn't something I planned.  It isn't even an idea that even occured to my mind.  But I saw it beginning to slowly unfold in my life, generated only by this 'time' I've been spending with Him.

This simple excietment and joy generates beauty. 

Reading

This will be sharing what I read this morning; and how it spoke to me.  It's from Psalms 119.  Anywhere it says 'your law' or 'your commandments' or 'your statutes' or 'your testimonies' or 'your ordinances' - I want you to read it 'your instructions' as though the Bible is a manual you would use to learn how to operate something like a bread maker and the use of those words is a problem of translation.  God's intention's were to give you a 'road map' or 'manual' for Life.

²⁹Remove from me the way of falsehood and unfaithfulness [to You], and graciously impart Your law to me.
God, I've noticed that we all seem to have such little control over things that sometimes pop out of our mouths - like lies; sometimes they seem to be there so quickly . . . and afterward we justify it in our minds or ask Your forgiveness, then berate ourselves for it's happening.  Here, the writer asks You to remove this from him.  Since You have the ability to change anything, subject only to our choices, here his choice is for You do it - not that You HELP HIM do it.  This is so different from how we strive so hard to change ourselves; and often with such LITTLE success.  This is so simple.  I CHOOSE that You use your power to remove this uncontrollable 'thing' from me.  And also asking that You graciously give me directions.

 ³⁰I have chosen the way of truth and faithfulness; Your ordinances have I set before me. 
Here again is that fact that I HAVE TO MAKE A CHOICE and that You will not force anything upon me, or even 'fix' anything in my life without MY CHOICE.  So, I choose Your way.  I have Your manual sitting in front of me.

³¹I cleave to Your testimonies; O Lord, put me not to shame!
I put all my hope of changing anything on the fact that I believe Your instructions are the right ones; so, God don't let me look like an idiot in front of everyone.  I'm counting on You to make good on this.

³²I will [not merely walk, but] run the way of Your commandments, when You give me a heart that is willing.
I'm going to have 'runaway' success from using Your instructions, because my heart and mind are completely open to You as as result of You changing me.

³³Teach me, O Lord, the way of Your statutes, and I will keep it to the end [steadfastly].
If You teach me, God, the real way that life is supposed to work, then You will also make me able to do it for the rest of my life.

I know there are lots of translations of the Bible to make it easier to read and understand; but I like the way God, Himself interprets it to me.  He can use the same verse in a million different circumstances.  It is acutally 'living word'.  It is definately not just words on paper.

AMEN

Did you know the word AMEN actually means 'so be it'.  It's a confirmation of everything you said before.  That's why we say it at the end of prayer.  To confirm something means that you believe it to be true.  So, if you pray something that you don't really believe in your heart and then say Amen, you are being contradictory and nothing will come of it.  Your heart has to be on the same page as the words that are coming out of your mouth.  You must believe what you are speaking.

It's the same way God talked in the beginning.  When He said 'let there be light' He believed that what He said would happen.  Think like this; when you flip a switch on in your house, you expect the light to come on.  If you walk over to the switch and are saying 'I'm turning on the light', you believe the light will come on. 

When you understand that God gave us the power of life and death in our tongue, you will be more careful to say exactly what you believe.  You will pray what you believe.  Then the next step is to work on WHAT you believe.

If you read the story of Mary.  She recieved her pregnancy with Jesus as the result of a 'word'.  It was a word spoken by an angel and delivered into her body by the Holy Spirit.  She received it when she said 'be it unto me as you have spoken'.  She believed, accepted and confirmed that she recieved what the angel told her.  It's as if she said Amen.

This might be a good place to sit down and make a list of the things you believe.  Afterwards you will understand what your life is capable of exhibiting - it's written on that piece of paper.

shame

Today I was reminded about the lost years, the foolish years, the awful years; all the years that did not bring honor to me, to God, to anyone.  Shameful years.

Then the guilty years; disabling, condemning, . . .wasted years. 

Years gone . . . but no!  Not wasted.  Not wasted at all.  Because I find out daily that I have an experience to speak to almost any problem.  Not a 'know-it-all' condition; a compassionate condition.  Going to hell and back again has an advantage; I know what kind of love brought me back.  So I know what it will take to bring someone else back. 

It takes everything.  It takes unconditional, all-encompasing, a 'willing to go to hell with you' kind of love.

You've heard of those people; the guy who gives his life to a group of kids in a ghetto; a woman who risks everything for some women in sex slavery; a police officer who throws himself in front of a vehicle for a pregnant woman.  You hear about them every day.  For the thousands who die, there are a chosen few who survive because someone gave it all.

That's what I got.  Someone who gave it all for me.  A man who died 2000 years ago, but lives today.  Don't shut me off now.  Hear the rest of this.  He didn't tell me to clean up.  He didn't tell me He'd do it once or twice but that's all.  He didn't threaten me with damnation.

What did He do?  He was just there.  Like the best friend you ever wish you had.  He never left.  When my hell got worse.  He was right there IN IT WITH ME.  And when I turned to Him, even just for a minute - He responded.  And sometimes, I turned away again the next day - even the next hour.  But next time I called, He hadn't moved - still there, still ready, still eager.

Here's one instance.  I was at home, higher than a kite.  I saw a premonition of my kids in my friend's car being hit by another car.  And then careening over the side of an embankment and down onto an Interstate.   Big time panic hit me.  My husband told me I was high, so forget about it.  I knew it was real - VERY REAL.  Then I remembered the same thing happened to me once before and Momma told me to pray.  So, I prayed this time too.  And waited for the phone to ring.  It did, about 30 mins later.  An orderly at the hospital calling to tell me about the accident and the kids were fine.  I could come get them. 

He was right there. Waiting for me.  The moment I called on Him - He answered.  He didn't care that I was high.  He wanted to help me.  He wanted to be my knight in shining armor; He wanted to have the chance to do something for me.

When I began to realize the kind of love it took to 'be there no matter what' - I was overwhelmed at how much I did NOT deserve this kind of love.  So, it took several years to really learn to accept it, and truly enjoy it - and then jump into it!

Come - jump in with me - it's so awesome!

let there be 'light'

Beginning my time with Him each morning is a little like an artist facing an empty canvas; it begins blank.

Throughout the day I think of numerous things I want to discuss with Him; but when the time comes, the list is so long it seems like I'm going to Santa with my 'Wish List'; and I really don't want to come to Him that way.  I would have never visited with my Dad holding a list of 'Wants' in my hand - no - I love my Dad and more than anything I just want to spend time with Him.  When I get something from him, it's in his wisdom and experience.  That doesn't mean I never ask for anything.  But, not a list. 

I'm the same way about visiting with my Heavenly Father.  I found that coming to Him and sitting in His presence, His love, and His wisdom is more than any list I could ever bear.
This was where my head was this morning when I sat down for 'My Visit'.  More than anything I just wanted to tell Him how thankful I was for Him; so I asked for a Psalm.  They are such great passages for Thanks.  Psalm 104 was my gift.  I began reading (in first person is my favorite way).

First revelation . . . 'He wraps Himself in light as with a garment'.  Then it walks all the way thru the act of creation in the beginning of the world.  It mentions EVERYTHING; everything from light, to water, to plants, to animals, to birds and on.

Second revelation . . . LIGHT was the first creation.  Brought into being by the words "Let there be LIGHT".

Tie these two revelations into my thoughts of 'Wish Lists' AND the importance of Words.

Jesus's sacrifice made us who believe in Him, to be seated in heavenly places WITH Him, giving us CO-inheritance WITH Him in all the blessings, AND the rights to walk boldly before the throne.  He is our example of how to live, talk, walk etc.  He spoke only what He heard from the Father.  The Holy Spirits speaks only what He hears from the Father.

WE ARE SUPPOSED TO SPEAK EXACTLY LIKE THE FATHER.

Suddenly it made sense.  My answer to "Wish Lists".  "LET THERE BE LIGHT" in my little kingdom (my life, my family, my stuff, my career, my future, my friends, everything that affects me).  In the LIGHT comes everything else. . . life, abundance, joy, peace, love, provision. . .  in other words - Everything.

Let there be light! - Let There Be Light! - LET THERE BE LIGHT!

I will be saying those words quite often.