Ahhh, the smell of the wooden pews and the soft Christian music playing in the background whilst people chatter all around the room. This is how "church" begins. It's not a bad beginning either. I like the music and I enjoy the chatter. I just can't "do" the structure anymore. You know, being told when to sing and when to sit down and who to listen to and . . . well, you know; the structure.
I was a PK (preacher's kid) and grew up sleeping in the pews, under the pews, in the back room and in foyer chairs. I got "saved" when I was 7 yrs old. I had a wonderful relationship with my God. But it wasn't wonderful enough to keep me from searching other "avenues" for several years. Why? Well, because I did not know HIM as a real person. He was just a faceless icon in that big unknowable book called the Bible. That's not to say that He wasn't "with" me. Oh no, He was definitely "with" me. He went right along with me through all the searching I needed to do. And most of that searching would have Christians gasping in shock and declaring vehemently that God WOULD MOST CERTAINLY NOT follow me there.
Well, not only did He follow me, He actually guided some of those steps and saved my bacon several times. I didn't know it was Him until later. Then when I turned my head slightly and asked "are You here?" - BAM! There He was. He had never left me for a moment.
But something was different than it was before. Now I could actually "talk" to Him and perceive Him as a person standing beside me/ inside me/ all around me. And gradually He showed me that He could talk back. AND I COULD HEAR. Wow. That was when the relationship changed dramatically. I could get to know Him as I would a friend. I could discuss things and actually hear His side of it. I could share my feelings and get His "feed" into it. It was real relationship, not one sided with no feedback. The was no searching through the Bible for answers and saying things like "well, based on this story or scripture I think God would . . ." That was guessing based on my intelligence about the Bible. No. This was no more guessing.
I found that for the next several years He shared with me, we walked through them together and He wasn't stingy about being my best friend and best confidante. And He never steered me wrong. Even when it "looked" wrong (which happened many times) and appeared to be against the Word (which it never was) and even when I knew that any self-respecting church member would have berated me (which they most definitely WOULD HAVE). This direction and guidance; and mostly His friendship went with me through the most profound situations and saw them through to equally profound miracles. Lots of them. They are my treasures.
All of this was done "away from church".
After many years, I began to think that I needed to take this relationship to the next level and make it legitimate before man. So I began Bible college and found a church. After everything He had done with my life, it was time to share it with others. I thought surely they would want to hear about it. All this wisdom and guidance shouldn't be held in silence just for me alone. After all, these were some of the most provocative miracles I'd ever heard before. They astounded me and thrilled me.
Funny thing happened, though, every time I opened my mouth to speak, I'd start with something like "God told me" and the stares from everyone was almost palatable. I was weird. I didn't fit. Gradually I began to realize that everyone was in the same place I had been way back when. They didn't have this kind of relationship with Him. And for some reason that shocked me. Silly me. I took it for granted that as I had grown, so had everyone else. And then the worst part was sitting still in the church service. I would "join" in with the worship and then BAM it was over and we were all sitting down. Then we would have "communion" and it was solemn and sad instead of joyful and exhilarating like I had come to find "actual communion" with Him to be. But one of the worst moments was when a well respected member of the congregation, spoke. It wasn't his speaking that bothered me. Nor was it his humble, sincere heart. No, it was when he began talking to us about a harmless story of finding money on the ground. Would we search for the owner or walk away with it in our hands? Now I was in the biggest shock of all. Why? Why would a teacher in a church ask the congregation such a question? Were they truly at such a place of knowing their God? Was this really a question? To be or not to be honest? Seriously?
My heart fell. I walked out. Sadness permeated my whole body. Who were these people who had spent their whole lives going to church and never finding God? These people who could raise their hands in praise but not know what it is like to "talk" with Him and get answers. Why did they NOT know God after all these years? Why was He still an unknown stranger?
I have a friend who hasn't been to church since she was 14 yrs old. But she and God talk often. I have another friend who is a manic depressive with only a few ties still holding on to sanity. But she and God talk often. I have another friend who has gone to church somewhere every Sunday for her whole life. Not always the same church. All of them different. She and God talk often.
How do I know God actually talks to these people and it isn't their imagination? Because they tell me about the conversations and I hear His reactions. They are the same. God is the same. He isn't different to different people. He really is the same. It is absolutely amazing to hear and realize that truth. And yet it is so very, very basic. God is Himself. And He is Himself with anyone who wants to have a relationship with Him. He doesn't require anything except that we believe. He doesn't require church. He doesn't even require the "sinner's prayer". Nope. He just requires that we believe and WANT to have a relationship with Him.
Now I'm at another new level. I stopped going to Bible school and I stopped going to church. Why? Because I actually get more questions answered from Him directly. The school and church were only my attempt to be accepted by mankind. It was another lesson in a very real fact. All I need is Him. I don't need to be accepted by mankind. And I can't live without Him.
I can sit in my pj's on Sunday morning and learn some of the most awesome mysteries, directly from the Teacher, Himself. And He doesn't preach TO ME. It's "interactive" dialogue. I can ask questions anytime. I can "talk" as much as I want. I can "share" my stories with Him. I can just "listen".
I imagine my ideal "church" setting. The pulpit would be gone. The stage would be gone. The pews would be comfortable chairs and they would be arranged in a circle. No one would tell us when to sing and when to pray and when to listen. The Holy Spirit Himself would lead the gathering and I imagine NO ONE would fall asleep. Everyone would have something to share and no one would go home without being personally involved in some way. Learning about God, Himself would escalate astronomically. People would come to KNOW Him personally - REALLY - not just the certificate that says they repeated the "sinners prayer". And growth would actually happen.
Oh, remember that verse everyone quotes about not neglecting assembling together? Its from Hebrews 10:25. I looked it up in the original text. It actually translates "on-together-leading of-themselves". Yeah that seems a bit convoluted at first, but if you say it again and again it begins to form. It sounds more like a group that seems to naturally gather almost anywhere. No ONE is in charge. And then if we look at how the early church people actually gathered, it was like that. In homes, in marketplaces, or where ever they met each other - a group would break out. Sometimes they had a specific time and would meet at someones home, have dinner and have lots of conversation. Everyone joined into the discussion AND the worship. Everyone shared what God was doing in their lives. Everyone lived in community.
It was simple. It had no pressure. One guy didn't have the whole ball of wax piled up on his shoulders to be the "shepherd". God was Father, Jesus was the shepherd and the Holy Spirit was the guide; and they didn't need the believers to organize and structure them for meeting.
That was and still is all we/I need. So all I'm missing is a group to "share" with? Not really, all these friends who "know" Him are my group. They are awesome. We don't plan any meetings. We just talk when we need to talk. When I have miracles or messages or new mysteries open; I call. They listen. We share back and forth. I learn from theirs and they learn from mine.
Yes, I miss the people at church. They are nice people. I think some of them actually might have a personal relationship with God. But they sit in silence. Stifled. I'm a little sad for them. But not too much, cause I know God. He's still right there beside them. He'll give them as much as they desire.
I love them all. I just can't sit there anymore. The structured silence is a bit painful for me now.
I also know that just because this is where I am in my walk with God, it doesn't mean that this is the place everyone should be. Walking with God is a process. And that journey has tons of levels and stages and facets and growth. It's designed specifically for each one of us. God is awesome like that. He knows what each person needs and exactly when they need it. He isn't stingy that way.
How awesome He is. I'm so very, very thankful I know Him.
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