But was it the stuff 20 years is made of? Heck no! I remember turmoil and crisis' we caused each other. I remember hateful words, cruel actions, betrayals, and disrespect. I remember them all in full color, clearly and in detail. Every one was a moment of regret, or hate, or disillusionment.
People don't hold on when the earth rocks and rolls and the waves splash over the sides and the boulders rip holes in the deck causing sewage to spill onto the planks. People don't lash themselves to each other regardless of the tempest.
People bail. Most do. Just a slight glance around and that's all too obvious. And we weren't any different. We definitely did NOT have stamina or perseverance or the "lashed to each other" kind of loyalty. Nope. Not at all. We had many bags packed and boxes stashed through the years. There were several slammed doors and lonely nights. And barrels and barrels of tears; and utter shock that we could be living such a nightmare.
But You were right there in the middle of it all. Weren't you? Now I see it. Strange how I couldn't see it then. You were standing there, tall and strong and . . . watching. And You would touch my cheek, or caress his hand. You would whisper calm words. I remember slightly hearing them and tossing them aside. You held out your hands to show us your palms and remind us of the results of hate and disrespect and closed hearts. And I remembered wondering why You wanted me to suffer like You did. I remember screaming at you in anger that you didn't make it stop. I remember blaming you for not giving me the desires of my heart.
Oh my those were tumultuous years. And they seemed to last so very long. But that's not Your fault. I know that now.
You were in the process of giving me the desires of my heart, but the clay that we were had to be broken and crushed. We weren't fit vessels. There were too many flaws. So, You did everything to keep us from completely destroying each other. You slipped in a step here and a turn there when we least expected it. And as our heads reeled in the storms, you used the water to wash away the debris. And you used the rocks to chink away the hardness. You used everything that crashed against us. You even used each of us.
And I can see the plan now. It was a marvelously amazing plan. But it absolutely boggles my mind that we made it to where we are. This plan of Yours was so completely fantastic in the scheme of who we were. And the fact that somehow You were able to keep us in the battle and yet without destruction.
We don't have a secret for being married 20 years. There is only one thing that did this.
It was You - God, my God. My amazing God. I see those moments when all was lost and hope was gone and I can see Your hand sliding the tiniest, sliver of a stepping stone quickly under one of us as our foot came down. I can see it in hindsight. All those times this ship should have crashed in those waves and on those boulders. But You used every moment, every fiber of our engagement with each other.
And from it you created the desire of my heart. Love. And I am humbled by the breathtaking beauty of it. I am overwhelmed that I live in this Love. It fills me to the brim and splashes over the edges, and glimmers in the waves as You shine inside of us.
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