redemption

Every day I drive through an area of town that has the worst memories for me.  It's where I got divorced, lost my home, my car and my sanity among other things.  And it's not that I don't remember it otherwise.  It's the driving past stores, shops, parks where the "little" memories happened that were connected to those "big" memories.  And those "little" ones cause my stomach to turn as I despise my life and myself for stupid decisions, mistakes and the general "yuckiness" that permeated my life in those days.
This reaction has troubled me for some years now.  It's a kind of regret that is almost debilitating and intensely self-deprecating.
And each time it happens, I work at conquering it and eventually succeed . . . for that episode.  Until the next time.
Today, it happened again.  I felt the extreme distaste rising up in my throat; and my emotions sinking swiftly into bleakness.
"Jesus?" I barely whispered from the bottom of my self-imposed tomb.
"Yes?  I'm right here." He answered softly.
"I don't know what to say . . . what I need." I answered.
"What are you doing?" He asked.
"Remembering." I said.
"Again?" He stated.
"Yes." I answered; and was even more ashamed because I was letting it happen again.
"Remember what the Apostle Paul said?" He asked.
"Yes, I do.  He said, 'laying aside what lies behind, I press on toward the mark of the high calling of Jesus Christ'" I answered.
"You already know what that mark . . . or goal is.  I have shown it to you." He continued.  "I will complete the good work I have begun in you . . . ." His love was so resolutely clear and truthful like glass.
It was all I needed and the episode ended.
I imagine the Apostle Paul had to purpose in his mind to do what he had said.  He knew better than any of us what it means to leave it behind and go forward.  After all the years he had persecuted the believers and even had some killed; he was the guy God called to preach His Word.  That is definitely a heavy Past to carry.
Then there's Moses.  The Moses who killed an Egyptian and then ran for his life.  40 years later, he's the guy who received the 10 commandments; including the one that said "thou shalt not murder".
Neither of them buried their Past.  It was still there.  But it wasn't who they were anymore.
I can't bury who I was.  I can't hide it; nor can I forget it.  But it isn't who I am anymore, either.
The other day I overheard a couple guys in the shop talking about me and the comment was "she's a sweet, happy, good person; it's just who she is naturally". And I wanted to break into their conversation and tell them how wrong they were.  But I didn't have time and neither did they - for the story it would take to explain.
Normally, that comment would have made me blush.   This time it only made me see in very stark reality . . . how profoundly God has changed me.
I'm still ashamed of who I was  . . . and I've kept so much of it secret because of that shame.  But as I look around at the world and all the atrocities that are going on . . . you know, the ones we shake our heads at and wonder what to do; I realize that it's no different than who I was . . . and that is exactly what brought me to my knees before God.  The mess and horror of who I was and what I had made; was overwhelmingly beyond remedy.  Except for Him.  God.  He gave me "beauty for ashes".
I will not let my Past stop God's forward march in my life.  I have a feeling that it will become a tool instead.  My own personal illustration of the amazingly powerful redemption of God's love.  It is the most miraculous thing in this world!  Truly!