sure seemed right

"there is a way that seems right . . . but in the end the result is death" Proverbs 14:12
Oh, Lord how many, many years we go along making the best decisions that we know how; and sometimes they were things that we really do know something about.  But slowly, down the road, somehow they do not lead to success; but rather life seems to unravel more and more.  At first we think it was his fault about this thing or that, or their fault about another thing, or someone elses fault about that thing over there; but the simple fact was that it just didn't work out the way it was supposed to work.  And we'd try harder and harder.  Eventually, we think we need to completely change associations because that's the problem.  Or a divorce is needed because he's the problem.  Or just wait until the kids are grown up, and then do what is really in my heart and that would bring everything onto the right track.  But none of those things happened either.  Different friends and different personal situations only bring a change of environment.  Those decisions do not bring better success.  And eventually all the disappointments come to lay directly on our door step. 
And it's overwhelming.  We as humans are too fragile to bear up under that much disappointment.  It breaks us.  We become shattered and horribly mutilated.  And no one else seems to care too much; they are in the same boat - or worse - something actually came together for them and they don't want to jinx it by dabbling in your horror.
Maybe this is a little extreme; or in some cases it isn't extreme enough.  But either way, we are damaged by life; maybe a little, maybe a lot.
I suffered for years under the resolution that my decisions were just crap; and I apologized to my kids, to my ex-husband, to my friends; but it didn't change.  And I could hardly bear the reality of how life turned out.
I started with all the same hopes and dreams as most folks.  They were pretty simple; marriage, kids, a good job, a home, growing old together, grand kids, retirement and . . . well, something went so wrong. 
So, I spent another 10-20 years bearing the guilt of shame for messing up such a simple plan.  Why was I such a loser?
Then I saw this verse. 
"there is a way that seems right . . . but in the end the result is death" Proverbs 14:12
And it clicked.
It wasn't just me.  It's a lot of people.  We naively go about the business of life, making the best decisions we know . . . and then THIS!  This is where it lands?
Then in the last few years something changed in my life and suddenly it "clicks" now.  I know nothing bad is going to happen.  I know it's only going to get better and better and better.  I know it.  I know it in my gut.  I feel the goodness oozing all around me. 
What changed?  Oh, wow, . . . actually a lot changed.  First my focus changed.  It went to God; Jesus, my Savior and the Holy Spirit, my guide.  I threw down the reins of my life in despair and ran to His arms in desperation for a reason to stay alive.  And He became my reason.  He filled me with love and hope and peace . . . but it's so different from before.  This love isn't something I struggle to get - it's just a free gift and it's there whenever I want to wallow in it.  The same for the hope and peace.
I don't try to "make" anything work out anymore.  It's almost like being on vacation all the time.  It's almost like not really having responsibilities - and yet, I'm not irresponsible - I just give Him all the real responsibility for everything.  If it's going to work, He had better do it, or it won't happen.  I walk forward and let Him live through me.
Gradually, very gradually, I got better and better at doing this.  And the more I did, the better things got.
And now I know that I'm no different or worse than anyone else; I'm not a bigger loser than anyone else.  I wasn't trying to be rebellious toward God; I was just doing what I thought I was supposed to do . . . make all the best decisions based on the best information and be a nice, loving person . . . and it'll all work out.
Wow, how simply wrong and naive can we be?
He just simply did not make us to be in charge on our own - it only works when He's in charge through us.  And it's so much easier!  Once we get the idea, and get the knack of how that works.
Thank you, Lord for "picking me up from the muddy clay"!
Thank you for choosing to give up your life for me - so I could live a better life.  And thank you for Resurrection, so you can live through me.  You really are my Savior.