shame

Today I was reminded about the lost years, the foolish years, the awful years; all the years that did not bring honor to me, to God, to anyone.  Shameful years.

Then the guilty years; disabling, condemning, . . .wasted years. 

Years gone . . . but no!  Not wasted.  Not wasted at all.  Because I find out daily that I have an experience to speak to almost any problem.  Not a 'know-it-all' condition; a compassionate condition.  Going to hell and back again has an advantage; I know what kind of love brought me back.  So I know what it will take to bring someone else back. 

It takes everything.  It takes unconditional, all-encompasing, a 'willing to go to hell with you' kind of love.

You've heard of those people; the guy who gives his life to a group of kids in a ghetto; a woman who risks everything for some women in sex slavery; a police officer who throws himself in front of a vehicle for a pregnant woman.  You hear about them every day.  For the thousands who die, there are a chosen few who survive because someone gave it all.

That's what I got.  Someone who gave it all for me.  A man who died 2000 years ago, but lives today.  Don't shut me off now.  Hear the rest of this.  He didn't tell me to clean up.  He didn't tell me He'd do it once or twice but that's all.  He didn't threaten me with damnation.

What did He do?  He was just there.  Like the best friend you ever wish you had.  He never left.  When my hell got worse.  He was right there IN IT WITH ME.  And when I turned to Him, even just for a minute - He responded.  And sometimes, I turned away again the next day - even the next hour.  But next time I called, He hadn't moved - still there, still ready, still eager.

Here's one instance.  I was at home, higher than a kite.  I saw a premonition of my kids in my friend's car being hit by another car.  And then careening over the side of an embankment and down onto an Interstate.   Big time panic hit me.  My husband told me I was high, so forget about it.  I knew it was real - VERY REAL.  Then I remembered the same thing happened to me once before and Momma told me to pray.  So, I prayed this time too.  And waited for the phone to ring.  It did, about 30 mins later.  An orderly at the hospital calling to tell me about the accident and the kids were fine.  I could come get them. 

He was right there. Waiting for me.  The moment I called on Him - He answered.  He didn't care that I was high.  He wanted to help me.  He wanted to be my knight in shining armor; He wanted to have the chance to do something for me.

When I began to realize the kind of love it took to 'be there no matter what' - I was overwhelmed at how much I did NOT deserve this kind of love.  So, it took several years to really learn to accept it, and truly enjoy it - and then jump into it!

Come - jump in with me - it's so awesome!