He will lead me.

I must say "thank you" to my Lord for the amazing fact that He is willing to take the time in His "God running the Universe" duties to guide me personally in my many questions and curiousities.  Just like my children were full of "what's that?" questions that sometimes tried my patience, I find a whole new set of inquiries each day I am alive.  But unlike me dealing with a 'work day' schedule, He always has plenty of time and interest in my questions.  And even when I don't understand His direction and instruction the first or second time, He is willing to keep explaining the same thing in a new way until I finally "get it".
I didn't have 'church' to answer all my questions through the years.  I was isolated.  But as I look back through those years, I clearly see His very personal and very intimate guidance.  He didn't have a problem with the fact that there wasn't a 'church' guiding me.  And now that I have learned so much from Him directly, it reminds me of children who are 'home-schooled'.  They have actually surpassed children in conventional schools only because their learning was so personally guided.
There have been those who think my faith has a tendency to the 'radical' view only because I cannot accept at 'face-value' any "widely accepted mainstream Christian doctrine" when presented to me.  Telling me that "this is what the most theologically-educated say" does not impress me; not because I am rebellious or controversial as a chosen character trait.  No, on the contrary; I will remain silent in preference to 'peace' rather than open my mouth and cause a 'ruckus'.
But when it comes to choosing a path of belief, I consult my closest confidant, the person who was there through it all and never failed me; my friend, my creator, my God.  This is not to place a crown upon my own head in some kind of awesome, wonderful, great holiness of my own; ha!  This is the simple fact that I was terrified and lost so horribly that I threw the reins of my life at Him in panic and fear; and He didn't flinch; He guided me completely for so long now that I don't know any other way to do it.
I chose to have a 'church' recently.  And when I hear my pastor or other teacher reprimand the congregation for failing to spend time with the Word and with God, I glance at the floor and wonder how they do it that way.  Then I remember when I did too.  It was before.  It was what lead me to throwing the reins at Him.
I honestly don't know; maybe other people don't ever come to that point in their lives.  Maybe making all their own decisions and figuring out life on their own actually works out for them.  I just don't know.
It sure didn't work for me.  I failed so horribly.  And I would not have survived it if He hadn't stepped in to stop me from ending it all.  I guess that's what the phrase "broken" means.
But I'm not "broken" anymore.  And I know I don't ever have to be again because it's been a long time since that happened and He taught me how to lean on Him completely and He showed me how to "live".
There is a word - codependent; that seems to describe me and my relationship to God.  Apparently in the psychiatry circles codependency is a bad thing and we must overcome it.  Well . . . that's just not happening here.  I'm doing just fine in my wonderful little codependent world.  It works.  And I feel pretty special sometimes when He gives me  the gift of a unique message just for me.  I have found there to be no other "high" that comes anywhere close to the "high" that results from that situation. . . . God, Himself, gave little 'ol me a message all my own; it's specific to me, it's concerns only me, and it's targeted to only me.  Well, when that happens all I can say is . . . .
WOOOOO HOOOOO!!!
Oh, and one more thing.  If you don't have that kind of relationship with Him and it sounds far-fetched and impossible to achieve . . . I just have to chuckle.  You really think I'm a lot more special than I think.  It's just not that hard.  It's a choice, not an achievement.