just so glad

I'm just so glad, Lord.  I'm glad for all those years.  You know; the ones I've regretted and looked back on all my mistakes and my ignorance of you . . . and I've seen it all through tears of shame and misery.  But no more.  I'm just so glad, Lord.  Just so glad.

You shine a different light on it all.  And in that light I hear the music we used to play on records and listen for hours; you know, Bob Seger and Journey; as we washed dishes, mopped the floors and cooked meal after meal.  The kids were little and the jobs were hard.  The money never went far enough and my joy never lasted a whole day.  I didn't think I was doing it right.  I lived in shame that my kids deserved better.  I apologized to them.  But I put them to bed with a hug and a kiss and told them I loved them and told them to believe in You.

But now I'm glad, Lord.  I don't regret anymore.  I can hear the music and remember the moments when I found a slice of contentment; when old friends were near and we scuffled through it all together; always believing that somehow it would all be OK.  That we were doing the best we knew how and that the kids would always know that; so they could believe. 

And I'd pray with tears in my eyes, "God, I love them so much and I know I'm not doing this right.  But I'm doing the best I know.  I'm so alone and so lost.  Please, God.  Please love them and take their wonderful little hearts and fill them with good things; and let them grow knowing that You are always there, always loving them.  And don't ever leave them.  God, please make all my mistakes turn out OK in their lives.  Don't let them suffer because of me.  Thank you, God.  I can't do it.  But I know you can."

And now I'm glad, Lord.  Now after all those . . . seems like thousands of years . . . I can see backwards.  I can see it now.  It was big as day.  It was huge as the sun.  It was in the middle of the pain and the mess and the day-to-day.

It was your great, big, awesome, powerful Hand.  There it was.  Always there.  Never leaving.  Always there.

Now I'm glad.