are you kidding me? I did that.

It popped into my mind out of the blue and was just as clear as if it happened yesterday. I was 26 yrs old again and my Momma had just died. I was so heartbroken and devastated, not to mention afraid. Yeah, even at 26 it frightened me that my Momma was gone. Who would be praying for me that I would be safe? Who would I call when I was confused, hurt and alone? I had a husband and I had children, but there's no one like your Momma. And I wasn't sure that God heard anyone else except my Momma.
In remembering that moment, I also remembered the decision I made in that fear. It was this: "I will continue to walk forward and try to raise my kids, but I know I will be a terrible Mom because I don't know what I'm doing, so I'll just hope that loving them and praying for them will be enough and God will do the rest."

It wasn't such a horrible thought/decision except for the part that I would be a terrible Mom. Looking back on that moment from 30 years later, I can see how that one thought trailed through my life and haunted me. But I didn't remember it until yesterday. I wondered why I couldn't be a good Mom, or why I thought I was such a bad one. And OHHHHH the guilt. Guilt is an evil, ugly, cruel companion that will never go home until you expose him for the liar he is.
Seeing this scenario yesterday, I welcomed it like I welcome my feet touching the ground after flying. Finally I know where this came from. I'm stunned that I did it. I'm usually more analytical about my thoughts and decisions. But I remember the emotional trauma I was experiencing at the time. My thinking was far from clear and I was desperately grasping for something to "ground" me and take away the fear.
I know that fear comes from my evil enemy. It never comes from God. And I also know that I can actually "TELL IT" to leave me by telling "him" that he's a liar and that I am a Child of God full of God's love and protection. It took me a long time to learn this. But it has released me from many emotionally "freezing" episodes of fear. And I have found such wonderful peace in doing this.
But I didn't know these things back then. I didn't recognize the lie and I didn't recognize the fear. I only knew that I was living in desperation.
Blame is usually the next step in our society. Find the source and place the blame. But we don't seem to understand that this piece of the process is the smallest part of healing. Nor do we seem to realize that it doesn't take hours of tears and additional re-living trauma to place the origin of the trauma, the lie and the result of believing it.

My revelation came from a simple statement I had made to God in prayer the day before. I had asked Him to show me where this "terrible Mom syndrome" had come from. I didn't travail in prayer. And when the revelation came, it was a simple scene that popped into my mind while I was busy doing something benign. When I saw it, I didn't stop what I was doing and grab my chest as my heart palpitated. No. My reaction was "are you kidding me?". "I did that."
My next step, I already knew, was to simply renounce that old decision and cast it into the sea of forgetfulness never to be retrieved.
By that I mean, that I will not blame myself, berate myself, carry guilt over it, and suffer any consequences for it. I refuse all of that in Jesus name. Why would I treat it that way when we usually expect those reactions as the normal course of human emotion to spend lots of time "dealing through it"?
I won't because I don't have to. Jesus set me free from the bondage of emotionally "dealing through it". His healing was not the result of that course of action. His healing was a result of my faith that He is real and that He not only made healing available to me, but that He did it already 2000 years ago and all I have to do is claim it as my own and believe that it is done.
This whole trauma and life-long lie was the result of my enemy taking advantage of my weakness and seeing it as an open door to tell me a lie that I wasn't mature enough to recognize. So, it's not my fault. I will not carry any fault for it. Not only did Jesus make my healing available, but He also healed the results of that lie - at the moment I recognized it and placed it in its proper category. (In my weakness, He is strong).
Why do we think that we can fix anything emotional by "working through it"? Where did we get this power to heal ourselves? Recognizing the source of the problem and placing blame doesn't do anything for us except when it is approached through Jesus' terms of healing.
See it, Place it, Renounce it, and be Healed.

Too simple for you? Yeah, I know, I battled that argument years ago and persisted in fighting emotional issues the "normal" way for so long. Then I realized how much time I was wasting. We have work to do promoting the Kingdom. And this is part of it. Healing is simple. It really is. Just do it. You have the faith the size of the mustard seed. Use it. And if for some unknown reason your healing doesn't manifest in some area, keep believing and keep walking forward. You WILL know why later. He promises that to us.

Don't just sit down and cry

Did you ever notice that Jesus didn’t sit down and cry when His Hometown and His Family rejected him? (Mark 6, Matt 4, Luke 4)

And I know that He is not a hard hearted person; actually just the opposite. He is full of more love than any of us can fathom. So, why didn’t it seem to affect Him?
Jesus wept once. It was at the grave of His friend Lazarus – the man He raised from the dead. And many people think he cried in grief. But I don’t think that was why; because He knew He could raise him from the dead. As I posted previously, I believe His grief was in response to the lack of Faith in the people He was teaching. They had already seen many miracles and He had hoped that they would have learned more about Faith by now. That’s why he delayed his journey to Lazarus; hoping they would finally exercise their Faith. It grieved Him that they lived victimized by everything that hit them, and still didn’t “get it”.
But in regards to people hurting His own feelings . . . He doesn’t cry; He isn’t sad; He doesn’t get down and depressed and incapacitated by it. He mentions that He is rejected by His own. But there’s no reaction that we would normally expect.
Why?
One answer might be that He already knew this was how it would be. He expected it. He knew exactly how everyone would react to Him. He was prepared.
But even if you knew your Hometown and your Family were going to reject you . . . wouldn’t it still affect you? I think it would. You can’t prepare enough for those kinds of emotions. And Jesus has emotions just like ours.
So, how did He do it? We need to know. Why? Because mankind spends an enormous amount of time being sad, disappointed, upset, depressed, and worse. It is the cause of a huge market for the pharmaceutical industry. And it is a major cause of drug abuse, alcoholism etc. Psychiatry would crumble without it.
Since Jesus is our Savior – the one who conquered all – our example; maybe we should really look at this part of Him.
Why doesn’t Jesus get sad?
I think I know why. I really do. I think it is because there is no sadness in God’s presence. God is full of light and joy and love. He associates sadness with darkness. And there is no darkness in Him.
This came to me when I was going thru a devastatingly “sad” situation in my life during which God was teaching me how to be an overcomer and change the circumstances. However, sometimes it doesn’t come about instantly. Therefore I had to learn to “abide”. He told me that this was the only way I was going to get thru this extremely painful time. I needed to get so close to Him that I was actually “living” inside the “joy”. It would take persistence on my part.
Persistence. Why, persistence? Because as you work and drive and cook and sleep and talk and . . . go about your life – the “joy” will begin to weaken from the constant bombardment of the darkness around us in this world. Therefore, I would have to “purpose” in myself to go back into His “joy”, His presence.
I found it to be a bit of a challenge. We tend to “wallow” in sadness. We actually feel very “special” when we are hurt, or damaged, or wounded, or broken. And we hold it up to our own view and turn it all around while we gaze at it in amazement . . . and cry . . . and feel . . . so pure . . . because the “damager” is so evil. It is the one time in our life that we feel this much purity in ourselves. But it’s a lie. We aren’t pure from it. We have even less value than before. We accomplish nothing. We focus on ourselves.
The truth of the whole thing is choice and darkness vs. light.
So, as I would feel the sadness seeping up into my soul and heart, and I began hearing it in my voice as my luster and enthusiasm would fade; the longer I let this progress the deeper I would sink; until finally, I would be in horrible pain.
I had asked God to help me and remind me because I was so very aware that I could not do this alone. And He did. As I'd sink, I'd reach a point that I would cry out to Him “Help me!” And immediately He would tell me what direction to look. I had to take the step; but He supplied the remedy. Each time the remedy was different. Sometimes it was a song, sometimes an article, sometimes a friend (an uplifting one), sometimes . . . well, you know what I mean. But each time, almost instantly, the darkness would retreat quickly; and moments later I would recall that it had been there, but now I was smiling – feeling no pain.
I also found early in this process, that I had to give myself permission to “let it go”. Sometimes we hold on to the pain because we “believe” that we can do nothing else. We have been mortally wounded, now we must suffer deeply and devastatingly. And miraculously I found that also to be an utter lie.
Now to the best of the best; living in the Joy after being hurt, makes Power come alive. Things change. Wonderful things change! Amazing miraculous things that don’t happen at any other time; happen now. And this is what makes learning this process – worth it all.

this dimension

It seems as though I'm standing on the other side of an invisible but very effective barrier.  When I use all the words my mind can conjure to explain my thrilling adventure of immense love and blessings that my daily walking and talking to my Lord produces, I receive in return deadpan stares and conversations of ordinary speech just as if they cannot hear my words at all, or see the overflowing love and thrilling excitement in my eyes.  I often want to say, "did you not hear what I just said?".  And I'm puzzled.  What is wrong with them?
It's another dimension, another existence, simultaneously present in the same time and place and yet completely removed, distant and foreign.

"I'm still me!"  I want to scream.  I still speak understandably.  I still walk and smile and dream and feel understandably.  I still drive and shop and sleep and cry (but not often to this one).  And yet I've changed dimensions.  It was almost imperceptible.  And it progressed slowly through the years.  I don't know how many really, except to say that I do know the beginning point.  Some years, I changed drastically, and some years almost not at all.

But I don't remember when "they" began to "not hear me".  People.  People who know me.  People who knew me then.  People who know me now.  When did I begin speaking in a way that was foreign to them?  Why can't they comprehend this joy?  Why don't they understand this love that makes my heart explode in wave upon wave of inexplicable joyous, thrilling, . . . .?

Then I meet someone on this side of the barrier.  I can tell which side they are on even before they begin speaking.  I see it.  Their eyes are like Light itself.  And the crinkles at the side of their eyes are permanently crinkled.  They can't help it.  It's inside them.  Just as it is in me.  Immediately, I know.  And they know.  And we smile.  We don't explain anything.  It's already understood.  It's comfortable.  It's soooooooo peaceful.  And if we have time, we share.  The stories are so plenteous.  We ALL have them.  And they happen EVERY DAY!  We LIVE in miracles.  We exist in the amazing, unexplainable wonder of . . . . Blessing.

I still do my best.  I try to explain it to those on the "other" side.  I use all the words.  I use my hands to talk.  I use my arms to talk.  I use everything I can think of.  Until . . . . I just run out.  I ask them to come.  It's so simple.  And that's when it starts.  Questions.  Accusations.  Suspicions. . . . . . darkness.  The light begins to dim.  And slowly I find myself in foggy, misty, dusty clouds.  I don't like it.  Soon I just leave.  Is this where I used to live?  Hmmm.  Wow.  I don't like it over there.  It's not a nice place.

A moment of distance.  A moment of quiet.  I reach up.  THERE!  OH, my beautiful, wonderful, loving Light!  You haven't left!  Thank you so much for living in here with me . . . or I should say . . . for letting me live in here with You!  I love it here!  And I will never leave.  Never.
Jesus!  My Light!  You will never leave me or forsake me.

my gift of joy

I looked up into the sky, into the clouds floating by on their way to Kansas where they might get together and form a storm.  Here above me they were harmless and beautiful.  I marveled at this creation.  I was envious of the people in Kansas who would benefit from the display of power they would witness in the storm.

My joy was all-encompassing.  I wanted to display it in lifting my arms and swirling round and round.

But I understood.  My joy was not the result of the clouds; or the storm they would create.  My appreciation of the clouds was the result of my joy.

My joy can only be understood by someone who personally knows the source; the same as my sadness when my Mom died; only someone who had lost their mother could feel that grief.

I did not create this joy inside me.  I am only the bearer.  It is a gift I am privileged to carry around on the inside of my body and enjoy whenever I chose.  I can halt stress, or worry, or depression; or any other negative emotion.  It is very simple, really.  Because this joy is sitting inside me at all times, all it requires is that I look at it, think of it, acknowledge its existence; and it rises.  The more I acknowledge it, the higher it rises.  There are times that I become so wrapped up in this experience, and it rises so high, that I begin to feel overwhelmed.  This has happened many, many times.  These are the moments I want to whirl and dance as the joy explodes within me making even my skin and body feel they may virtually explode.  I have found those moments actually hard to cope with the exuberance in searching for a way to express it.  I eventually have to look away from it and look again at the mundane for a moment.

I understand drugs, alcohol, sexual and every other kind of search for this.  Something within us knows this kind of joy exists.  We know it’s there.  We gain tiny, fleeting glimpses of it and grasp to re-create it over and over.  Eventually our grasping anesthetizes our knowledge that we still haven’t captured it.  That’s when we begin to mistake the anesthetic for the joy we seek.

 I see those who run those vicious circles.  I used to run those circles and I recognize it very well.  I see that deadpan stare of being stoned and I remember the fuzziness inside that stare that made me see everything in such pretty colors and hear the enhanced sounds of music.  I see the whirly, swirly alcoholic din and I remember the clamor inside my head that made me feel a rush of exhilaration.  I see the sexy displays of skin and suggestive flirts and I remember the flush of power, of neutrons exploding in my head, and the “love”.

And I’m so sad for a moment.  Because I remember.  And now I know.

I wish desperately I could capture even a tiny piece of this gift inside me.  I would wrap it up in a beautiful little box and present it with a huge bow as the very best gift ever received in the whole of life.  This would be the gift of all gifts.  The one.  It would bring the bearer happiness for the rest of their life.  It would give them the power to resolve all problems that can’t be fixed.  It would fill them with the kind of love they’ve never received from anyone.  It would be the truest, safest sanity they’ve ever known.  And of course, the result would be this joy to carry around all the time and pull out whenever they wanted.

I want to give this gift to everyone.

I want to give it to you; today.

Say “yes” and believe. 

It is Jesus and He is alive! 

    

I'm RIGHTEOUS!!!

^{Psalm 33:1}REJOICE IN the Lord, O you [uncompromisingly] righteous [you upright in right standing with God]; for praise is becoming and appropriate for those who are upright [in heart].

Am I the "uncompromisingly righteous" one who is supposed to "rejoice in the Lord"?
I can see it is an evaluation that can only come to us through Your Spirit.
Who would be bold enough to put his own name in this verse?  Who?
For example, "Rejoice in the Lord, Marna [uncompromisingly] righteous [Marna, upright in right standing with God]; for praise is becoming and appropriate for you, Marna, who is upright [in heart]."
Kind of raises the hair on my arms.  Makes me want to go hide in a closet for fear of the lightening strikes from God?
No.  After the first moment of shock . . . I see very clearly that this is where every name of every Child of the Lord belongs.  His blood sacrifice made us clean and pure and righteous the moment we Believed.  It's a done deal.  We don't go back to being dirty and unclean tomorrow . . . unrighteous and unworthy next week . . . an old sinner by next year.  His sacrifice was once and for all time.  He doesn't jump back onto that cross every day for the new sins committed.
I was made righteous!  ME, MYSELF and I!  I AM RIGHTEOUS AND IN RIGHT STANDING WITH GOD!  And there is NOTHING that can separate me from it . . . nothing.
This is who I am!  This is my identity.  It cannot be stolen or fraudulently used or faked in any way before God.  He sees exactly who I am.
WOW!
This is definitely a singularly great reason to PRAISE God and sincerely REJOICE!  Look who He made me!!!!  I am in 'right-standing' with God, Himself!
What could ever be more cool than that? 
Nothing I can think of.